Yellow Notebook (Lisa)

I share this story because I know there are many of you who have lost loved ones during this pandemic and were faced with delaying plans of honoring your loved ones. It is a hard and heavy weight to carry. Anxiety whispers...

It was there all along. My anxiety went ripping through me that morning as I searched high and low for a yellow marble copy book with her name on it.

That’s how anxiety works. It takes one worry in your brain and marries it to the next, snowballing it into a monster size knot. How could I be so careless with the last notebook recording the life and medical struggles of my daughter’s life?

Anxiety builds and snowballs…I think…That’s nothing! How could I be so careless with her death? In time of covid, Claire had not had a funeral or service of any sort to date. She was the world to us! How could we be so careless? Anxiety works the mind free of the heart and wreaks so much havoc.

Anxiety whispers…You treated her as carelessly as you did that yellow notebook! She had stacks of notebooks, all treasured and ending the practice of this daily journaling seemed unimaginable to me. I had intended to continue using this last yellow notebook in a loving way, morphing it into my art/writing - gourd story notebook. I had even written the notation, And so we continue… in it and started a poetry writing for a dear friend whose child was celebrating 5 years of sobriety. It felt fitting to continue in love, in this way BUT, I lost it. How could I have done that?

My daughter Fiona counseled me to take a break from searching. My husband Pat counseled me to remember the circumstances concerning Claire’s delayed service. I listened to Jesus in both of their words. I took a break and made a call to my dear friend Michelle. She assured me that all the decisions we made for our Claire were good and true, coming from a place of love. She reminded me that Jesus was present at the end of her life as He was for her entire life and that when we do hold her service that it will be beautiful and honor her life.

She prayed over me to give me peace, to know that Jesus was with me and in me. I hung up the phone and sat in front of my tablet. I felt so relieved… maybe I’d write about this new found peace...

What’s this? I thought. My tablet was sitting too high on the table. Ah….. And there it was, resting beneath the tablet the whole time, Claire’s yellow notebook. Thank you, Claire in Jesus. Thank you, Jesus in Claire.

PS. Claire has a Memorial Service planned on 9/11/21. A good day to remember and honor the goodness that still exists right before our eyes, even in the darkness, even when there is suffering and certainly Claire was and is a good thing.