Be Expectant Lisa

If I had known beforehand what life had in store…but what if you did? What then?                                             

Wow! If I had known beforehand what life had in store for me… Have you ever pondered that? Would you jump back in bed and pull the blanket high over your head?

A flashback to the Christmas before Claire went to her heavenly home. So much drama and pain were to come. We knew it was coming. We’d all known for far too long…and there were no blankets to hide under…

November is ending and my thoughts and concerns are growing. Will she see Christmas this year? Are we making the best decisions for her? Can I do this? My thoughts turn to Mother Mary - if she had known beforehand all that was to come, what would she have done? 

As I carefully constructed my nativity scene, I pondered the thoughts of Mother Mary as she knelt beside Joseph. I imagined her trembling with anticipation over the empty cradle…waiting for those first labor pains. What was going through her mind? At first, I imagined only joyful waiting, joyful expectations and I asked Mother Mary to show me the way to joyful, hope-filled expectations, to help me get to the next step, in that moment in time.

I had a truckload of anticipations and very little felt joy filled. We decided to take Claire to our local brewery to be among people and hear happy holiday music, always a spirit lifter for her, but all the movement and sound left me feeling so alone. Fighting back tears, I prayed, Mother Mary, show me the way! and she blessed me with a HOLY MOMENT.

It came in the form of my friend Geri who found us sandwiching Claire, in a cuddle, on a comfy sofa. Sweet Geri carried with her always a prayerful pouch of pebbles with words to ponder. She randomly grabbed a stone and pressed it into my palm, BE EXPECTANT and my eyes filled with healing tears. It sounded so hopeful. BE EXPECTANT for all the good that was to come. Still. BE EXPECTANT.

Mother Mary knew how to BE EXPECTANT, BE HOPEFUL, BE GRATEFUL. That’s how she did it! I thought! There is no way it was all JOY for her, free of fear. It was a mixture of both.

I imagine Mary would have looked at that same question, what if I had known beforehand... and she too might have feared a crack in her courage but what she did in that moment was focus in on the tremendous love and joy that was to come. Mother Mary knew that challenges in life do not exist in a vacuum, that in the same time and space where pain is present, so sits comfort, where fear exists, courage stands by its side.

Being expectant doesn’t remove the hard that is to come but it reminds us that hard stuff doesn’t stand alone. I am constantly surrounded by God’s love through the people that I know and love. I see Him in the kindness of strangers I meet each day. Being EXPECTANT causes me to LOOK FOR HIM, FOR JOY, FOR HOPE, FOR LOVE and those are all things worthy of a joyful expectation! As I walk now on the other side of life without Claire physically here, I need to be reminded of that sometimes. Grief is a circular journey. Be expectant, Lisa. BE EXPECTANT.