SHOUT! SHOUT! LET IT ALL OUT! (Lisa)

I share this moment from the past

with all those who are facing trying times.

Sometimes you have to shout before you rest.

Lisa

03.07.20 Today we learned more hard, sad news about our girly’s health. Sometimes I don’t know how to go on. I feel so restless and weary, frustrated by things beyond my

control. Despair can make me squirm in my own skin as I fight the urge to scream.

Claire is sitting in the car seat just behind me as we silently make the trek back home from the hospital, an hour plus drive in close quarters with her dad. We stare down the road, not saying a word to each other. What is there left to say? The radio blares but I hear not a sound. Her innocence and silent acceptance torture me. What choice does she have? There’s no turning back for her from this dreadful news. How can I be anything less than strong for her, Don’t you dare cry Lisa! Lord, I need a minute. Help me regain my courage and strength. I pray on, “Help me rest in You”. I try to picture the image of Jesus embracing me but I just can’t begin to get there. No rest.

And yet, over the wordless din of the radio, He answers me, reminding me of a new parable, played out just a few days ago. I search for a scrap of paper and begin jotting down the loving memory. As I write, Pat looks over and asks me what I am doing but I tell him I can’t talk until I get it all down.

I scratch… (edited notes)

Just a few days ago, my 2 yr. old grandboy showed me what it takes to Rest in Jesus. I’ve not seen the terrible twos in our Mikey yet but somedays I do feel his weary, frustrated, squirmy-ness. On especially wiggly afternoons, he just needs extra coaxing to find rest.

I treasure our routine of blanket, book and cuddles before lying him down. Holding him in my arms, he rests his head on my chest while I feign sleep, my best attempt to trick him into joining me for a snooze. Closing my eyes tight I wrap my arms around his little wiggly body. Peeking out, I catch him popping his head up, closely inspecting me. I can see him wondering, “Is she really sleeping?”

After 5 -10 minutes of glorious cuddling, he nods off and I think, “My trick worked!”

But on this day, Mikey blessed me with a new thought... It wasn’t my squeezed shut eyes that led him to sleep. His weary little body gave into the steady rise and fall of my breathing, the rhythmic beating of my heart and my loving arms wrapped around him. Then comes the glorious thought, this must be how it is in Jesus’ arms at last.

I imagine all those sensations now as I whisper to myself, Rest in Jesus and lay my head on His warm chest. I hear His heart beating, body breathing and feel His loving embrace

as my weary body finds rest, grace, courage and strength for the next moment.

It was a precious gift God offered me through our little Mikey, priceless and yet tonight, it seemed God had one more thought to share with me. The scritch-scratching away of this memory on paper carried me all the way home, up the driveway and into the garage. My pen rests and I hear the radio for the first time, the old familiar Tears for

Fears song opens up with the words, SHOUT! SHOUT! LET IT ALL OUT! These are the things I can do without! Come on! I’M TALKING TO YOU! Come on! I don’t know if it

was me shouting, “I’m talking to YOU GOD!” or God saying “NO! I’m talking to you!” but either way, I got the message “Shout! Cry! Get it all out and then rest in Me!” and with that, the tears with all my fears finally flowed.

Jesus is in it all. He’s in the anger and the shouting. He is in the resting. He’s in the car radio. He’s in the song. He’s in my tears. He’s got this. He’s got me. He’s got my girl. I’m not sure how we are going to get where we are going, a final stop I don’t want to arrive at but I know God’s got us. Moment by moment, He’s in it all.

Amen to that!