Once Upon A Time (Amy)

Once upon a time I dreamed of me. I dreamed who I would become; who I would bloom into. Once upon a time I thought that growth happened all at once, that one day, I would just be who I was destined to be once I worked it all out. I looked at my future self as someone I had to figure out who to be. She was already there waiting for me, but I had to draw the map of how to make her a reality. Those views have shifted over time because I am now of an age I used to dream about. Gradually, the “she” that was out there is no longer attainable. I’ve had to let a vision of myself go because I can no longer be her.

I’ve realized that while I truly loved the future self I had created in my mind, I am the only “me” I’m ever going to be.

I’m carrying the 4 year old me on my hip, whispering to her about her parents. I’m playing with the 8 year old me in the driveway. I’m struggling with the 10 year old me to hold the innocence of youth while building friendships for the future. I’m realizing the naivety of my 16 year old self while basking in her beauty and wholesomeness.

Letting go of the idea of myself and digging into the reality of myself has been really hard. It’s hard emotional work engaging in your inner psyche and attempting to understand who you are. But it’s important work. It creates a more “real” self. It creates a self that is honest and open. It creates a self I am proud of. This person is not perfect. She is flawed and sad and tries so hard. But I am proud of her.

She is not created by her experiences, she is experiencing her creation