New World (Gerbil on a Wheel) (Lisa)

I share especially for those who have lost a loved one and are searching. Know that you are not alone and it is all HOLY.

Gerbil on a wheel. Constant mindless motion. What will happen if I get off? If I stop? Grieving is an action verb. Sitting still with it is unsettling at times. Waves of sadness roll over you. Better to keep moving but my legs are so tired. Anniversaries and expectations. I don’t need to be reminded. I’m living in it every day. What am I to do? To say? To behave? What do people want? Ashamed to admit but…why do I care? Fill in the blank.

I am

Gerbil on a wheel.

Tired of the view.

The pace.

The emptiness of mindless motion.

No.

Where? Wait. What?

Am I really going nowhere?

I am not in this place today. But I visited this place often in the past year and a half and I am sure on a dreary lonesome day I may visit it again. This is the work of finding meaning, of valuing life beyond Claire. What does a meaningful life look like? How can I take Claire with me on this journey? What am I to do? On the heaviest days, I value little of my actions. When Claire lived, I looked at every little act as holy. She made me bless the chair, the cup and the cloth. Even when it was hard and exhausting and I longed for a break, even then, I knew it was holy. I valued it. Lord, thank you for each small thing; the bath, the towel, the lotion.

Help me Claire, ora pro nobis, to find value, to call holy each small new act I perform in this new world without you. Help me to feel your presence. All this I pray to you, Jesus in Claire and to you, Claire in Jesus. Amen