Learner's Permit (Lisa)

You could say, I was unusual for a 16 year old girl. I had no interest in getting my driver’s license. I had no car but my boyfriend did, I managed to hitch rides to work so I thought, what’s the point?

I finally caved my junior year and at the start of my very first lesson, my instructor turned to me, amazed at my total lack of experience. I guess I thought I’d impress him, with my confident smile and pleasant manners but as I buckled up without even being reminded, and he said, LET’S GO! I froze, staring dumbly at the steering wheel. Turning his head and handing me the same dumb stare back he grumbled, Haven’t you ever driven a car, even up and down your own driveway? My mind dropped all pleasantries and thought, you stupid man! I need a license for that! What do you think I’m here for anyway? Can we just get this over with?

My earliest driving days were challenging and though I eventually became a more proficient driver I admit, I can still get anxious on the road. Take for example yesterday, I wasn’t searching radio channels or my phone but my mind was distracted, searching for a clearing in the fog of my life. when all of a sudden, a new lane pattern changed on me. I recovered quickly but it was the split-second jarring moment that reminded me of my early learners permit days.

I’m not a bad driver but there are times when I feel like a bad lifer. What can appear so clear and apparent can become hazy and obscure. I can manage so many balls in the air one day and drop them all the next. Why? This is what I was pondering in that lane change moment. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be more organized? I was last week, what happened? How could I let my friends down like that?

I was doing such a good bang-up job on myself when that lane changed, shifting me into a new lane of thinking. It felt like a God whisper. I am committed to living a good life, but maybe not my calendar life, so many squares filled with dates, commitments, plans, people. Some days I struggle to navigate relationships and expectations, all of it leaving me in a stressed-out fog. It’s been two years without my daughter in my life. I can’t use this as an excuse forever but the truth is I’m living life on a Learners Permit.

I totally blew it this past week. I had three events scheduled to attend on a Sunday and was eagerly anticipating them all. Then the day came and went and two more followed. I had been reminded of the celebrations just three days prior. I missed a shower for my dear friend’s first grandchild, a lifelong friend’s art gallery opening and another’s life celebration. There was no way I was going to miss any of it! I even announced to my husband, This, is so important! I can’t forget it! But I did just that. I forgot it all.

I think I am doing pretty good. I am engaging life, going out, seeing people, getting involved. Most of the time I think I look like I am okay but, like most people, I am carrying around a hard something that is fogging me up. My something is grieving. Your something is fill-in-the-blank. I guess the key is to give each other a pass when we flub up, give our own selves a pass when we need it. Life can be hard. There is so much going on, so much to juggle, so many split-second decisions to make. It’s a wonder we don’t rear-end each other in the supermarket aisles constantly.

I went on an apology tour the following day and came home feeling I had been on a gratitude tour, so much kindness and forgiveness, so much patience and understanding, so many things had worked out better in the long run.

God is in it all. I met Him on the road in that hunk of metal. I met Him in the lane changes and in the embraces and faces of my dearest friends. He holds my one hand as they hold the other.

Thank you, my dear friends for your kindnesses. Still people, seriously, be careful out there, we are out there, in life and on the road!