Kiss of God (Lisa)

I know now what it was about you Claire, that made people feel so happy, made people feel so loved. I know now why you were so easy to love. You reminded us all of that first perfect kiss, the unattainable, perfect, flawless, unconditional love of God, who kissed us all, first. Now, I understand better why I always felt I was raising someone holy, when you were actually raising me, helping me mature in my knowledge of God and the memory of my first kiss.

I see more clearly now why everyone was so “shocked,” that your medically fragile, just on this-edge-of-life-body, died. Most every note of condolence began with, “I was so shocked and deeply saddened to hear our precious Claire has died”. I see now, it was because no one ever wanted this living proof of God’s kiss to leave this earth. Even those who lived far away, who had not seen you in years, were shocked and so deeply saddened that they couldn’t speak for days. Even without seeing you, just knowing you lived was a comfort; God’s first kiss, living and breathing on this earth. You were a beautiful thing to behold.

It makes sense to me now why people from far and wide called you OUR precious Claire because you emanated that perfect love of God and everyone wanted to own it, claim you as their own. We welcomed their ownership, in fact we encouraged it; family, friends, just met acquaintances, people passing by, total strangers alike. We wanted everyone, everyone, EVERYONE to know your heart. How could we keep it to ourselves? Our hearts were overflowing because you lived.

I so often wondered how many times I kissed you in this life. I would try counting them out, calculating the smooches in hours and days and years full of love. I had tried to make up for any lost moments you would miss; boyfriends, a future husband, your own children. I tried to make up for all those kisses and I smothered you in “I love yous” and kisses and lap time cuddles every day of your life, but it was your “losts” that helped me express a closer human version of that perfect first love of God.

We are all born holding the same kiss of God as you, my Claire. Maybe there is something about not having “losts” of our own that, in fact, keep us lost a little, holds us back from emanating that perfect love as you so confidently did.

The greatest fear I had from the first moment I met you was that YOU would not be known or valued. I feared that if you could not speak you would not be heard. I did not know then what your life was meant to say but I so desperately wanted you to say it and to be heard. I see now that, in the silence of your tongue, your greatest message rang loud and true and far and wide.

Our gift now is this, your message, your kiss is inside us now. It mingles with our own. My prayer is that the loss of you, the lost feeling of the loss of you, the lost sharing of the loss of you, will help us to love others as you have taught us, with our whole body and our whole life. May we feel and be the very kiss of God for one another.

Today is another foggy day but this one thing I see more clearly. I am praying to be at peace in the fog and rest in it. I love and ache and cry out for you my sweet precious Claire but I feel your kiss.

I love you, God in Claire. I love you, Claire in God. Amen.