Into the Vast Blue (Lisa)
- holymoments442
- Jul 12, 2020
- 3 min read
Updated: Aug 4, 2020
Why am I having such trouble today? I did so well last week, focusing on the faded Mickey Mouse on Jessy’s shirt. His wiry seventy-five year old body was, for once, not putting me to shame. I told him afterwards, “It was Claire’s favorite character that gave me balance!” A week later, as I stand on an uneven incline, eyes searching his Goodwill, special-of-the-week shirt, searching the woods just beyond, search the vast blue sky, I find no reference point. Nothing. On one, then two knees I fall, an overall bad day for yoga. No balance.
It’s like that with grief they say, one day your up and the other your down, blue as blue can be. It’s just that my daughter, my sweet Claire just disappeared three months ago and somehow, I go about my life, still breathing, still eating, still sleeping as if nothing happened here! She’s just gone. Poof! Vanished into the vast blueness, like she never existed, never was. I cannot find my legs today. What is balance? I have no reference point, know no one who has lived this life.
In life, Claire had no balance. She could not stand, or walk or talk or eat or even breathe for the last six years without great assistance. but she became my reference point from which all life pivoted. She forced me to balance one thing against another, take stock and line things up accordingly. She took me to church on a daily basis and told me that Jesus is joy and for Claire, Mickey Mouse was just one conduit in a world littered with pathways to pause in the busyness of life to feel that joy and share that love. Jesus was her reference point and through her conversations with him she taught me the one job we need to do in this world is to love. She communed with Him daily and I communed with Him in her. Jesus is joy to me. I know this! I’m just a mom who is missing her Claire Bear.
I have an old friend Betty who moved from our shared hometown outside Baltimore to San Francisco, years gone by now. I loved Betty. Returning home for her first visit, she remarked on the billowing clouds that filled the skies, “I miss the clouds, just vast blue skies, where I live now.” She was probably 25 years older than me and filled with so much spiritual wisdom and knowing peace from a life well lived. She loved me unconditionally and excelled at listening from the heart. With her my feet found solid ground even with a craggy mountain incline before me. I miss her counsel.
This Tuesday, July 14th will be Claire’s 27th birthday. I look for her in the clouds. I look for shapes and playful things that she once knew. I am looking for joy. Most days I find something of comfort. Clouds are usually inescapable around here, littering the sky but today, just blueness.
I think I’ll call Betty.
Peace, Love and Claire’s Joy!
Lisa
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On July 14th we will be celebrating our daughter Claire’s birthday. She would have turned 27 yrs old this year.
Claire LOVED to eat! She made THE BEST yum sounds too! Due to her seizure disorder she had to get her nutrition by other means for the last 20 years of her life. She missed eating...
We would like to create a Claire challenge in her honor for her bday.
Can you make one casserole for your local church to distrubute to centers such as Our Daily Bread for the homeless and hungry?
Or could you make a food bag donation to the church or collection center of your choice?
Please tag your bag
“In honor of Claire McGann”
Please label your frozen casserole donation with your name, type casserole and note that it is in honor of Claire McGann. Who knows the stories that she will bring to us from this loving outreach for the hungry!
Click link Below for a variety of casserole recipes...
And from all of us...
THANK YOU!!!!
This is a beautiful way to honor Claire.