Falling (Lisa)

I heard a wonderful homily about falling into God’s love. Father Richard said I can’t climb my way up to earning this love because it is something that has always been there. I can only fall back into that perfect love, a love that I understood as a small child, before I questioned myself, doubting my self-worth. It is an unconditional love of me, just as I am.

The priest said that it’s not a matter of IF I had it but WHEN I would see IT, with the eyes of God, to truly see myself as a person worthy of God’s love. Knowing this love would make all things clear. He said, hospice workers overwhelmingly report people seeing through God’s eyes in the last 5 months, 5 days, or even 5 minutes, coming to this place of peace at last.

I remember being blessed with a moment of clarity like that many years ago when my own life was threatened. Scans confirmed that the dull thud pain in the center of my back was caused by a tumor deemed inoperable. There was nothing anyone could do. The doctor handed me a ball of tissues and I cried hard. All I had was God. I remember the stomach punch but also the sharp contrast that followed, a seeing clearly. I knew what was urgently important and let go of the all the rest. In a moment, I understood the futility of the general life anxieties I had clung to, just days before. I could see they were mostly self-induced, along with the little stupid grudges and trivial disappointments. In that moment, my wants and desires turned only and desperately toward love.

I had had other bouts of cancers in the past with much better odds but even when given hope, I fought off smoldering fears. If they gave me a 80% chance, I would worry about the 20% and along with that, I agonized over my children, husband, family and friends.

This time was different. When there was zero hope, I saw clearly that God’s unconditional love would take care of us all and I let all the rest fall away. Incredibly, with a zero chance of surviving, all those old familiar anxieties lifted. I no longer worried how it would all turn out, how my family would go on. This time, I just knew they would and that it would all be okay. God had us all.

The immediate tumor news was followed by a week of peace and focus as I lined up counselors for my daughters and more nursing staff for my daughter Claire. My husband Pat and I took long walks together, we cried some but we smiled a great deal too. We held on to each other and shared words of love and gratitude for all that we had been blessed.

God’s plan unfolded in the week that followed and I was blessed with even more life! The tumor disappeared as did the constant pain I was experiencing. The doctors called it an artifact come and gone, but to me, it was my own little miracle and with the news, came great joy! Through tears I wrote a poem which asked, in part, what was that maudlin mistake made miracle? It is life, imperfect, infectious, incredible life.

After that day and for a long time I floated on a joyful peace cloud. I thought I would never lose that sense of clarity but, I am oh so human and over time my old ways crept back in. I want my faith-life and life-life journey to be one in the same, right now, while I am living. I don’t want to wait for a life-threatening moment to live with clarity. I want to fall hard, back into God’s love… turn desperately towards only love.

When I ponder my imperfect incredible life, I ask myself…. what is so urgently important right now? LOVE. What self-anxieties have I conjured up in my head? LET THEM GO. What little grudges hide in the dark corners of my heart? FORGIVE.

Dear Lord,

Help me Lord to begin by seeing your unconditional love of me

so that I may turn it outwardly as a blessing into the world.

Amen