All Signs Point to Love (Lisa)

When I think of the Holy Spirit, I often partner it with you Claire, visiting me, guiding, loving and prodding me on. On this third birthday without you, I longed for you, calling you to come to me in any one thing but instead, you dumped down on me an armful of signs all leading me to just one thing; love.

July 14, 2022

Dear Claire,

It stormed all night and I awoke feeling lost in the pouring rain. You would have turned 29 today. Two years and three months out, I am still trying to be brave, numbly smiling while holding back this mountain of sadness. I try to make a surprise visit to Aunt Michelle’s house, to maybe grab a hug while proudly proving how strong I am, but a fallen tulip poplar has blocked the road and I am completely cut off. Grieving can be such a lonely business. Maybe You in God are pointing me in a different direction.

I turn and take another road to wander under the trees, across from the churchyard and sit listening to the church bells chime. Bending over the bench seat I read the engraved words once more, I love you, Claire. Daddy and then try out momma bear’s bench seat, I love you, Claire. Mommy. I whisper, Come to me Claire! But nothing comes. Searching more, I find a fuzzy baby bird feather fallen from a high tree. I tuck it in with the blue jay feather I had placed by the stone of HOPE last week, a little more than just nothing, but still, I feel numb, blank sorrow, chest tightens, stomach thickens.

Wandering in a quiet state, the first visitor comes. I hear my dad say out of nowhere, Hey kids, I need y’all to go pick up sticks and I am a little girl again, awash in his love. As a child, my faith was rote learned, I had no doubts or questions. Back then, when I felt hardships, I’d run to the woods and find solace in being alone with Jesus. He would give me guidance so I viewed Dad and Him as One. Taking their direction, I started picking up sticks, making small mounds of dead wood, piling the limbs and logs higher and higher. Feeling slightly more industrious, a small smile comes to me and with it my eyes begin to wet but I pull those tears back in and think to myself, I am on my way, I’m holding it all together.

Arms full of dead rotted wood, I cross the hot empty parking lot, carrying the heavy weight of it all. Making my way to the dumping ground, I call out once more, Come to me Claire! and with that, a sudden rush of angry red ants burst out of the rot and crawl all over my arms. Really? Are you kidding me? I clumsily dance around, scrambling to keep that dead stuff in my arms while poking myself with burning scrapes and bruises, doggedly holding on, and for what?

From far off, someone shouts… Are you ok? but, I answer … No, I’m okay…. It’s just.. butas my lip begins to tremble, all the dead weight tumbles down… It’s just these angry ants… Walking towards me he says, Can I help you in some way? He is our new priest. We don’t know each other well but His kindness breaks me down and I share that it’s my daughter’s birthday and he can guess the rest. He tells me, You know, It’s ok to feel what you feel. You can’t be joyful all the time and you don’t want to be sad all the time. Find your balance but feel what you feel. Hopefully the joys will outweigh the sadness. It was a simple act of love on his part and a surrendering to love on mine.

All the signs point to LOVE. My dad directing me to gather my sorrows and pick up sticks, the angry ants reminding me to feel what I feel fully, Claire leading me to the dumping ground, to drop the dead weight of tears and the Holy Spirit found in another, showing me how to love myself in that moment.

On my daughter’s birthday, I was grieving, wondering, worrying, panicking, What if I never see her again? What if my images of a loving God, a living Jesus and a guiding Spirit were all just something I made up to make myself feel better, to survive this life I am living? So, I had prayed and the Holy Spirit in Claire answered, Open your eyes! I am already with you. I am alive in love! Thrive in it!

All this, that is in my head, heart, and soul, all this stuff called faith that I call upon is a real and good thing and I intend to thrive in it. I will continue to call on God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit, to call on loved ones who have gone before me who all lead me to this one thing. LOVE. All signs point to LOVE.